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Title:	Untitled
Topics:	crazy
Date:	2006-12-05 @ 22:49
Security:	public
Mood:	crazy

Blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I feel a crazy week coming.

And that twirly sun is not the kind of crazy I mean.

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Title:	Oh my
Topics:	belligerant, forever, relationship, ryan, terror
Date:	2006-10-16 @ 11:47
Security:	public
Location:	My bedroom at home
Music:	MONTEL!!!!!!!!!
Mood:	drained

So I thought things were on their way to being smoothed out.
But then it turns out that they're not.
He said that he knows we're not going to work out right now, but then he still pushes to stay together.
And it's good, and it's fun, and I care about him...... but I don't know how to explain that it just doesn't work generally.
But who knows, I don't know.
What if I get my head sorted out and he is what I want and I fuck it up? Or that could just tell me even more so that it's wrong right now and it's not what I should be doing right now.
And he had to withdraw this semester because of everything..... and I don't know.
It's so stressful for everyone right now, and it's my fault for bringing it up again, but I think it's going to work and then it just doesn't seem like it wants to, and that's what I don't understand.
And thinking about someone else never helps. Especially if that's a dead end road.
I just know that if Ryan and I get back together, it's for life.... and that's terrifying, and I am not ready for that kind of committment. And I think if our relationship was just a relationship without all the strings of forever attached to it.... it would be much less threatening.

Uggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just want to get belligerant and scream Alanis Morisette until I vomit.
Oh wait.
That was what I did last weekend.

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Title:	Despicable.
Topics:	cait, cleaning, confused, crazy, nonboyfriend, productivity
Date:	2006-10-02 @ 14:10
Security:	public
Location:	Main 344-3
Music:	Fan on Exhaust
Mood:	confused

And then life goes all crazy again.
I said it was over and done.
But then, I have someone over, he gets all jealous, and then is even more attached to me than he was before.
And it's confusing.
You don't act like that with people you're just friends with. Or maybe you do. Maybe he likes that about me, that that's the kind of relationship we have with nothing attached to it.
But it's driving me crazy.
And I'm really not sure how to respond to last night at all.

Later that day....
So instead of being productive at all, I cleaned the room. I guess productive in some way, but not anywhere near the level of productivity I need to reach with my reading.
But it killed an hour and a half of not obsessing over stupid things.

Oh Cait.. I wish you were here to talk to, our situations are so similar right now.

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Title:	Belligerance
Topics:	belligerance, cait, film, justin purtle, lonely, love, movie, mr. boston, nick, rahn, rum, ry
Date:	2006-09-30 @ 12:53
Security:	public
Location:	Common Room
Music:	Chelsea
Mood:	blank

Last night we drank half a handle of Mr. Boston's rum. It only costs $8.
Mr. Boston is a bastard. He treated us real rough.
What can I say? That's how I like it.

I really wanted to have Ryan come and get me this weekend.
But then I remembered I had to shoot a movie with Rahn. Which is fine. I was really into it before, and then this week happened, and I've been completely disinterested in everything except not being here right now.
But it's fine. It's going smoothly. I have to go back to Cushing at 2:00 and hopefully I'll be done by 4:00 or 5:00 or maybe even earlier. The shots all seem to be really small. And Rahn overestimates time.

Maybe next weekend.
I'll put the gas money forward. I'll wait up for him to get back from work.
I just want to spend some time with him and feel good for a little while. Like Caitlin and I were saying the other night, someone who doesn't make me feel like shit whenever I hang out with them.
I want to be in someone's bed who actually wants me in the bed with them.
I read back in Ry's xanga and just cried during all of the entries pertaining to our break-up. And I really don't know why I'm such an asshole. And then I texted him. And I can tell that he's beginning to let me back in a bit. Little by little.
Oh no, I can't leave next weekend because it's a fucking closed weekend for the costume shop and I have to work.
He has the week off, maybe he can come down like Sunday-Tuesday or something.... have him here for a few days during the week, that would be even nicer.

Ughhhhh.

Ooooo just got off the phone with him.
If he finds his cell phone, he'll come visit me....

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Title:	Happiness
Topics:	berkeley, cait, california, changes, class, headshop, joint, justin purtle, nick, old habits, picture, ryan, the beatles
Date:	2006-09-28 @ 15:25
Security:	public
Location:	Main 344-3
Music:	Niente
Mood:	productive

...is a warm gun.
                             She's not a girl who misses much
                             Do do do do do do do do
                             She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
                             Like a lizard on a window pane
                             The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
                             On his hobnail boots
                             Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
                             Working overtime
                             A soap impression of his wife which he ate
                             And donated to the National Trust

Sometimes, you just need to give things up and enjoy them for what they are and for what they never will be. I'm sick of what ifs and whys and this game that I play with myself in my head.
I have other things to stress out about.
I have other people to focus my affection towards.
Life can't be the chore that is has been over the past year because I don't think I could take that forever.
I don't know what I've been trying to prove with this whole situation. I mean... I do know, and everyone who knows me knows, too, I'm sure. But the whole thing is ridiculous. And there are so many better things to focus my energy on.
I love my girlfriends, both here and at home. If I didn't have certain people here who really get me, I don't think I would be as happy as I am even when I want to die on the inside.
I have Ryan, who has always been there for me no matter what I've done to him, and I need to not take that for granted again. I've been looking around for something that's just been right in front of me this whole time.

So I'm done. It's over. And I'm over it.
And I know this is the fifteenth time I've claimed this, but this time it's legit.

And I do love my friends and the gross amount of class we have (and from which our outfits are derived):

My 3:10 class was cancelled today, which put me in much better spirits.
I also get to go home in two weeks - it'll be a nice break and it'll give me some quality time with Ry, which has definitely been needed.

I'm going to go to law school at Berkeley.
Cait and Justin Purtle and I are going to live together and be California state residents.
I suppose eventually I'll come up with back-up options.

Really all I want to do in life is learn how to blow glass and open a head shop near the ocean.

                                                          I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
                                                          Down to the bits that I left uptown
                                                          I need a fix cause I'm going down

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